Why is it so hard to recognise when you’re falling in love with a covert narcissist?

At the beginning of the relationship, it feels like a dream come true. You feel seen and understood, deeply connected, and empowered. They mirror you, they pretend to share all your interests and they make you feel like you are the most special person in the world. And you fall deeply in love with them.

This phase is known as the “Love Bombing” or “Idealisation” stage.

Then, they slowly start to break you down, but in such a subtle way that you barely notice. You might think they’re just having a bad day, believing that someone who has been so wonderful couldn’t possibly have a dark side.

Gradually, they begin to gaslight you, blaming you for things you haven’t done. Small lies start to creep in, and you may feel like you’re losing things at home. They make you feel guilty for expressing how they’ve hurt you, and they stop listening. They’ll isolate you and give you the silent treatment.

This phase is known as the “Love Bombing” or “Idealisation” stage.

The next stage is Devaluation.

After they have you deeply invested, the covert narcissist begins to devalue you. The affection and admiration they once showered you with turn into criticism and contempt. They belittle your achievements, make you doubt your worth, and subtly erode your self-esteem. You might find yourself constantly trying to win back their approval, feeling like nothing you do is ever good enough. The person who once made you feel on top of the world now makes you feel insignificant and insecure.

They’ll blame you for their problems, accuse you of being too sensitive or overreacting, and gaslight you into questioning your reality. The once loving and caring partner becomes distant and cold, leaving you confused and hurt. This relentless cycle of praise and punishment keeps you trapped, always hoping to return to the idealization phase.

The final stage is Discard.

When the covert narcissist has drained you emotionally, they move to the discard stage. They may suddenly end the relationship, leaving you feeling abandoned and worthless. This can happen abruptly or gradually, but either way, it leaves you devastated. They may cut off all contact, ignore your attempts to reach out, and make you feel like you never mattered to them. This stage is incredibly painful, as you struggle to understand what went wrong and why you were discarded so callously.

But it doesn’t always end there. Enter the Hoover stage.

Just when you start to recover and rebuild your life, the narcissist might reappear, attempting to “hoover” you back into their cycle of abuse. They might reach out with apologies, promises of change, or declarations of love, trying to draw you back in. This is a manipulative tactic to regain control over you, exploiting your vulnerability and hope for the relationship to improve. Recognizing this pattern can help you resist their attempts and protect yourself from further harm.

By understanding these stages—idealization, devaluation, discard, and hoovering—you can begin to see the toxic cycle for what it is. If these experiences resonate with you, know that you’re not alone and that help and support are available to break free from this destructive pattern.

If you’re a victim of narcissistic abuse, these patterns might sound familiar. Recognizing these behaviors is the first step towards understanding that you’re being manipulated.

Here are some reputable external links for your post on “Narcissist Behavior 101”:

1. An Easy Way to Understand Narcissistic Behavior – This article from Psychology Today provides a comprehensive overview of narcissistic behavior, comparing narcissists to cars that need constant external validation as fuel. It discusses their lack of emotional empathy and their hypersensitivity to criticism. Read more on Psychology Today .

2. 13 Common Behaviors and Values of Narcissistic People – Another valuable resource from Psychology Today, this article outlines typical behaviors and values of narcissists, including their need for admiration, lack of empathy, and tendencies to manipulate and devalue others. Explore the article here .

3. 52 Ways to Identify a Covert Narcissist – This piece delves into the subtle signs of covert narcissism, such as passive-aggressive behavior, gaslighting, and the creation of a public image that is sharply different from private behavior. Find out more on Psychology Today .